


La Douleur Exquise

by Connah



Series: Feelings that can never be described by words in the English language [1]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Break Up, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage, Unrequited Love, happy but painful ending, just a ton of feelings honestly, learning to live with unrequited love, newcob mentioned, sunnew mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Connah/pseuds/Connah
Summary: La douleur exquise (French, lit. the exquisite pain): The pain of still loving somebody you know you can never have.or; Changmin learns to live with Chanhee not loving him back.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Ji Changmin | Q, Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon
Series: Feelings that can never be described by words in the English language [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2040721
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	La Douleur Exquise

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in 2 hours unbeta'd i'm sorry this was meant to be a drabble but i can never keep anything short lmao
> 
> also the start of a short mini collection i plan to do to push myself into new things

_ I love you _ . It’s written in the wind as it passes through them. Spoken in nothing more than the whistle of the breeze, a fleeting flutter of his heart. Breaking again for an uncountable time as his best friend cries into his shoulder.

“I thought he’d be the one, you know?” 

“I know Chanhee.” He mutters into the tufts of his hair. “I know.”

He could never have said it. Never take the risk of losing it all on the whim that he could love him back. Never breathe again if Chanhee decided to leave him, just like many had left Chanhee before. He could deal with Chanhee’s heartbreak. But he could not deal with his own.

“I just don’t know what to do, I’m so tired of this Changmin '' Chanhee cried into his chest. Changmin pulled him closer, practically smothering him against his body. He was warm, body heat radiating off him as he shook through his sobs. 

This wasn’t the first time he had held him such a way, and he assumed it wouldn’t be the last. Chanhee had a penchant for finding himself in bad relationships, but what percentage of that notion was Changmin just believing that he could do better was large. 

Chanhee wasn’t to blame for the break up. Sunwoo was immature, selfish. Too selfish to be with somebody like Chanhee, who had all the love and tenderness in the world to give to somebody. Plus Changmin never liked Sunwoo that much anyway. Sunwoo ending things after he thought they were getting too serious was just another perfect indicator that Chanhee was once again just too good for yet another fool who managed to get in his way. 

_ Oh how Changmin wished to be that fool. _

“Hey, come on now.” Changmin cooed as he heard Chanhee’s cries somber. He had cried himself out before too many times that Changmin knew what the end sounded like. Chanhee muffled his breath against Changmin’s shoulder as he picked himself up, pushing himself back onto the sofa they had been sitting on for an undisclosed amount of time as Changmin held onto him.

Changmin never complained. He never told Chanhee how he disagreed with every romantic decision he had ever made in his life. He accepted whatever Chanhee brought between them until undoubtedly the inevitable happened and they broke his heart. And there Changmin was; time and time again left to pick up the pieces.

“You’re Choi Chanhee.” Changmin’s voice fixed a small spark on Chanhee’s name, as if it was word of the gospel, something holy and to be spoken with care every time he said it. Chanhee sniffled at the remark and managed to huff through the heartache. The sounds pulling on Changmin’s chest like the puppet he always felt like. Attached to Chanhee, but on a complete one way street at best.

“You’re better than everyone I’ve ever known. You’re loyal, caring.” God it was obvious. It was so obvious how in love Changmin was with Chanhee with every unsaid whisper of those three words which were expressed in every single other thing he said. Every single action, every moment he spent with Chanhee. He loved him so,  _ so _ much. 

Changmin’s hands came to take Chanhee’s puffy and swollen face. A thing he would never tell Chanhee, what he looked like when he cried, because he knew how much he hated when he didn’t look his best. Not like that mattered to Changmin anyway because to him, Chanhee always looked his best. In those few brief moments where his eyelids would move before he woke up, in the way he covered his mouth when he laughed because he didn’t enjoy looking at his mouth. Even when his eyes were red and stinging from tears caused by somebody else, Changmin found him beautiful all of the time.

“You deserve somebody who will treat you like a prince. No, not a prince. A king. And they are your kingdom, and they will bow down at your feet.”

_ Changmin was already that Kingdom. _

“That’s sweet, Changmin.” Chanhee sighed, a slight smile gracing his chapped lips.

_ But Chanhee was not his King. _

* * *

It had been three months since that night. Chanhee had quit his job, stating he wanted a fresh start. He went from a coffee shop to a desk job, his variety and adaption typical of the slender man who could take on any challenge in the world and win. Yet another thing Changmin adored about him.

They were opposites sometimes. Where Changmin was unyielding, Chanhee was pliable. Where Chanhee was stubborn, Changmin was gentle. But Changmin wasn’t the only unyielding yet gentle soul in the world and eventually Chanhee chanced across Jacob. A work colleague who quickly became something more.

“I can help set you up with someone, you know? Jacob has a lot of friends.” Chanhee suggested over coffee one morning. The simple idea of Changmin sharing this moment with anyone else filled him with dread.

Dating. Falling in love. Moving on. It meant replacing Chanhee in some way or another and Changmin wasn’t ready to concede to that yet. So instead he shook his head.

“The offers there if you want to try, Changmin. I don’t want you to die of loneliness one day.”

The offer was there. But the thing Changmin wanted was not for sale.

Eventually Changmin met Jacob, and he wasn’t as bad as the rest. He was kind, gentle, humorous. He lacked that vanity Chanhee usually went for, which seemed to indicate that Chanhee was figuring out what he wanted. And still Changmin stated right there. Hoping that one day Chanhee would figure out he wanted him. But there were some negative sides to Jacob too.

He ate too loudly, Changmin knew Chanhee hated that. He liked tomatoes, Chanhee’s most hated food. He peeled the stickers off of drink containers and never put the cap back on the toothpaste. Yes Chanhee was meticulous, but it was just another thing Changmin found most precious about him. 

How all those mannerisms worked to create a perfect being.

A perfect being he couldn’t have.

It took another three months for Chanhee’s world to collapse again.

“He’s leaving.” Chanhee’s voice broke on the other side of the door. He was slumped against the wall when Changmin finally walked in. When Chanhee didn’t answer his calls after work he knew something was wrong. Instantly running over with a cautious knock on the door, asking if he was inside first. Changmin knew Chanhee wouldn’t have minded if he had just walked in, but still Changmin gave him the grace of choice first.

His phone still clutched in his hand, a texting reading ‘ _ sorry _ ’. Chanhee had then told Changmin that Jacob’s visa had expired and they couldn’t renew. 

“Could you not do long distance?” Changmin had to offer at least that, even against his entire will. Chanhee shrugged with a roll of his head against the wall.

“Neither of us would’ve wanted that.”

* * *

Almost a year passed since Jacob and all Chanhee had filled the time with was dead end dates. Meaningless flings, pointless weekends. Changmin had nagged him, over and over, about how he just needed time for himself.

But if Chanhee were to have one flaw besides not loving Changmin back, it would be that Chanhee never felt complete without a man around his arm.

And Changmin never felt complete without Chanhee.

Then Chanhee met Younghoon.

It was the most typical, most cliche way that it made Changmin’s teeth rot. Reaching for the same loaf of bread at the bakery Chanhee frequently made an appearance to. He made a frequent appearance on behalf of Changmin, just like he had done on this occasion. Changmin suddenly hated the fact that he liked bread so much. 

Chanhee said this one was different. This one was soul calming, breath warming, something he wanted to wake up to every morning for the foreseeable future. Changmin only saw Chanhee was describing himself.

“He’s so sweet, Changmin, you have to meet him.” A mere two weeks later and Changmin did exactly that. Hearing the same gush and effusiveness that he had with every ex partner Chanhee had ever had. Each one always ended up with Chanhee sobbing in his bed weeks or months down the line. Chanhee had too much faith in these men, and not enough in himself.

Changmin wanted to be the one to give him that faith.

But still he kept quiet. He kept quiet in the silent hope that still one day Chanhee would see what had been standing in front of him this entire time. The unmoving rock that was Changmin’s love and honesty. Ready and waiting to burst at the seams if given the option.

But that day never came.

  
  
  


“I said yes!” 

It came in the form of a video call, Younghoon and Chanhee had decided to vacation somewhere warm for Christmas. Chanhee was almost reluctant to go at first, he had never spent a Christmas apart from Changmin, not in all the years they had known each other. But now here he was. Announcing in not so many words that this would continue to be the case for the rest of their lives.

The ring was beautiful; glistening white gold from the streaming sunlight as Chanhee held it up to the camera. Younghoon lingered in the background, arms wrapped sweetly around Chanhee’s waist. Safe, warm, secure. The perfect cut diamond shimmered almost as brightly as Chanhee did. And it felt heavy in Changmin’s stomach.

He gulped down the bile growing in his throat, burning into an ulcer as the couple awaited his response on the other side.

“Congratulations.”

It was less than enthusiastic.

“I know, you’re surprised too, right? I never would’ve imagined this!” Chanhee’s voice seemed distant in more than just physical time and space right now and Changmin sensed that he would never fully return.

He let Chanhee regale him. About how it all happened, the walk on the beach. How Younghoon had managed to round up the hotel staff to help serenade Chanhee by the azul waves; picture perfect. Changmin had never felt so empty before.

“I have to go, I have some work I gotta do.” Changmin wormed his way out after giving ample time for Chanhee to repeat key details at least twice. He didn’t think it would be possible for those words to hurt the second time, but they did. They hurt more than every past announcement that had ever left Chanhee’s mouth before.

“I’ll be home in three days Changmin. Oh my god, you’ll be my best man, right? I know I don’t have to ask, but you will be, right?” 

The stinging began to hurt his eyes until he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He thanked Chanhee for providing the perfect reason for allowing his voice to crack.

“Of course I will. I’d do anything for you.”

Changmin didn’t remember crying himself to sleep that night. He didn’t remember ever crying so hard before; so raw and exposed yet all alone. Visceral reactions to his emotions hurling up into his lungs and making him retch and gag for air. Like he couldn’t breathe. And he couldn’t.

Because he had lost his oxygen.

He had lost Chanhee.

* * *

The following months came with many forms of stress Changmin had no idea existed. How the difference between eggshell and cream could cause Chanhee to call him at 2am in a fit of rage and tears. How seating arrangements would drive him crazy to the point of wanting to call it off. Still his loyalty never wavered. He picked Chanhee up from his joint apartment with Younghoon so many nights, only for Chanhee to break in the car and demand to be turned back around.

_ ‘It’s not his fault, it’s me.’ _ Chanhee insisted. And Changmin was always inclined to believe that.

For Younghoon was perfect. He was calm and steady. He was yielding where Chanhee wasn’t, and gentle where Chanhee was firm. They complemented each other well that Changmin felt trapped under the rubble of his own crumbling system of hopelessness and loss. He wished he could walk away.

But he couldn’t fathom a day without Chanhee by his side.

Every time Changmin returned Chanhee to the building, Younghoon would be waiting. Like he knew Chanhee would return. Like he trusted Chanhee. And Chanhee would always run into his arms, muttering his apologies against the taller man’s chest. Arms would wrap around him and shelter him from his worries before turning away from it all. Away from Changmin. Away from everything they were supposed to be.

In the month before the wedding the fights subsided. Chanhee had never been happier and Changmin had never felt sicker. That was until the wedding day came itself and thrusted its way into everyone’s lives. A harp rang in the marbled halls, echoing past the noises of the gathered parties of the grooms. Changmin found himself hunched over a bathroom sink trying not to throw his guts up.

His stomach hurt. It twisted in such ways Changmin almost convinced himself to go to hospital and get it checked out. His heart was racing, his body was shutting down.  _ Somethings not right _ . He felt it. But all he was feeling was the revelation that Chanhee was never his to begin with and now he would have tangible proof of that.

A ring on his finger. A husband. 

Love.

A love so real Changmin knew he should be happy about it but still it hurt so much.

_ ‘Why couldn’t that be me?’ _

“Chanhee?” Juyeon’s voice rang through the room as he opened the bathroom door. Changmin caught his eyes in the mirror. He seemed worried, concerned. Changmin straightened himself up.

“Have you seen Chanhee?” 

“He’s not in his room?”

“No.”

Changmin swallowed down the lump in his throat. It turned out there was a search party already underway, with a five minute warning for the groom to walk down the aisle. Changmin had never been more nervous.

But he knew Chanhee. He knew Chanhee better than he knew anyone else, better than he knew himself at times and knew that when the man got scared he would seek out the only reliable comfort he knew.

Changmin headed to his car parked outside.

Surely enough, he was there. A cigarette hidden in hand furthest away as Changmin approached him; a habit Changmin knew he had whenever he was spiraling and making a bad decision. Changmin approached quietly and Chanhee didn’t flinch at all.

“I can’t do it.” 

At any point in the past few months, Changmin would have reacted very differently to those words. But not now.

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t marry him, I can’t do it.” Chanhee took a shaky breath of his cigarette, hands visibly trembling as he lowered them back to his sides.

“I can’t do it Changmin, it’s not fair. I’ve dragged him through so much already, haven’t I hurt him enough?” Chanhee’s voice was surprisingly calm for all his body was silently twitching. His eyes trained forward, not even on Changmin. Whereas Changmin couldn’t tear his own away from him.

“Do you not think you’re hurting him more right now? Being out here instead of walking down the aisle?”

“I’m saving him in the long run.”

Chanhee took his last pull of the cigarette. Dropping it to the ground, not bothering to stub it out as the orange flame slowly died. Only then did he look over to Changmin.

“Let’s just go Changmin, let’s get outta here.”

The world felt like it had stopped turning for the two of them. The words he had always wanted to hear; the slight hope of Chanhee reciprocating even an inch of what Changmin felt for him. An inch he could run a mile with if he was ever given the opportunity.

But not like this. Not when the tears stinging Chanhee’s eyes were full of fear and not love. Chanhee’s words began to vibrate as his voice began to quake.

“We don’t have to go back inside, we don’t have to say we’re leaving. We can just go- We can rent out a place near the beach, or near the lakeside. Until we have something figured out. We don’t need-”

“No.”

The single syllable caused Chanhee to freeze. Changmin could hardly believe it himself either. He was saying no to Chanhee. No to everything he had ever wanted from him, everything he had ever dreamed before. In those silent nights when Chanhee was asleep by his side and Changmin would wish how they could be more than just friends. How when the morning came he wanted nothing more than to roll over and kiss Chanhee until he woke. He was saying no to his own dreams in order for Chanhee to achieve his. Eyes fixed on Changmin who returned with a softened stare. This was going to hurt Changmin more than it could ever hurt Chanhee.

“You can’t leave him Chanhee, It’s not fair. He loves you.” Changmin’s stress on the final words pierced Chanhee’s wall he was desperately trying to build.

“He would be devastated.”

“He can find somebody better.” Chanhee gulped, Changmin could tell he didn’t believe it.

“There’s somebody better than Choi Chanhee?” 

Chanhee let out a bittersweet laugh in his sigh.

“He’s too good for me.” His voice cracked. He believed that.

Quietly, Changmin took Chanhee’s face between his fingers.

_ ‘I love you’.  _ Those words were never spoken, but surely heard. Surely heard through the cracking of his heart as he tried to fix this. His warm fingers etched into Chanhee’s cold cheeks just enough to melt into him and leave their lasting impressions.

_ ‘I love you.’ _

“You’re too good for everybody.”

_ ‘I love you.’ _

Chanhee took a wavering deep breath. Closing his eyes to focus on the warmth of Changmin’s touch and words. He heard it. He heard everything Changmin said as Changmin stared at him longingly. Seconds feeling like they passed into hours until those long lashes fluttered open and that gentle look returned to his eyes.

“So get back in there. Make his life a million times better just by being in it. Let him show you off, be proud of you. Like a trink on your arm. Anybody would be grateful to have you be their side for the rest of their lives.”

Those words quelled the everlasting fire in Changmin’s chest, flames dwindling into crackling tinder left behind from years of yearning and aching. It was everything he wanted to say to Chanhee. On a wedding day, in vows. But it wasn’t supposed to be theirs.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Changmin.” He crushed him with a hug, losing himself for the last time in Changmin’s chest as they both sighed in relief. Changmin sighs to choke back his tears. 

Those words would be the closest thing to loving Chanhee he knew he would ever experience.

“You too, Chanhee.”

* * *

Changmin managed to stall for five minutes. Finding Juyeon to tell him he found Chanhee, allowing Juyeon to spill the news into the room of awaiting guests. Chanhee headed straight for the bathroom, fixing his face in the mirror to hide the tear stained cheeks caused from mere moments before. He covered up. He made himself perfect because at the end of the day that was exactly who he was. And who he would always be.

Changmin walked up the side of the aisle, hearing the news travel but not quite yet reach Younghoon who stood at the altar. He looked terrified. Like his entire life was hanging on by a thread that Chanhee had hold of and he was pulling on it tauntingly without Younghoon knowing if there was a safety net to catch him or not.

He wasn’t even able to feign a smile to Changmin as he approached. Changmin swallowed down the last of his pride.

“You’re gonna be a lucky man.” Was all he had to say to reassure Younghoon. His hand reached to clasp onto Younghoon’s shoulder in a show of solidarity. That he truly, and finally, was conceding to Younghoon. Changmin’s feelings hadn’t gone unmissed by Younghoon at all. Anyone who was in love with Chanhee could clearly see; Changmin would die for Chanhee.

Younghoon lifted a hand up, lacing it over the top of Changmin’s to reinforce that feeling. To let Changmin know it will be okay. To thank Changmin.

“I already am.”

It took only a few seconds after that for the crowd to gasp. Several people standing up to get a better view of the groom walking down the aisle, leaning over shoulders and heads to see. He was adorned in a white suit, in contrast to Younghoon’s black. A glittering lapel of crystals caught the chandelier lights as he walked under them and Changmin heard Younghoon’s breath quiver under his nose. He had seen him too.

Changmin’s eyes felt heavy. Too heavy to pick up off the floor but he does it. He does it knowing that it’ll break his heart, but he does it knowing he must capture Chanhee as his most radiant moment of his life. And he does just that.

What they described in movies and books didn’t do just to Chanhee at all. The subtle smile ringing confidence and grace as he slowly made his entrance. Flashing lights from phone cameras only adding to his winsome features, eyes sparkling in the reflection of it all. Changmin felt his breath and time stop altogether.

He thought of everything. Of every moment he had loved Chanhee in, in every moment he wanted to tell him just that. He remembered the realization of when he fell in love with Chanhee, and he remembered the solemn moment of when he realized Chanhee wasn’t in love with him back. Those moments digressing, sinking into the walls of his heart and causing the final pieces to crack.

Chanhee’s smile was shaking from his muscles pulling at his cheeks. He truly was happy, eyes glistening with joy as they stared up to his almost husband. And then slowly moved over to Changmin.

It took Changmin a moment but he realized what he was supposed to do. Chanhee had reached the steps of the altar and was holding a hand out for Changmin to take. To do his final deed as his best friend and give him away to Younghoon.

Changmin took a few tentative steps until Chanhee’s hand was lightly in his own. 

It came in a whisper, in the fleeting breath of air from Chanhee’s lips, meant only for Changmin to hear and receive.

“Thank you.” 

Changmin knows its meaning is everything.

  
  
  
  


Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/connahquay) | [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/connahquay)


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